The Lioness Table: Where Beauty Overpowers Betrayal

A couple months after experiencing the most emotionally dismantling pain of my life, I went to the store to buy my favorite shampoo. After grabbing the shampoo, I decided to walk around the store to just look at random things. I’m not sure why I chose to do that, but on that day, I was having a moment of clarity. A space in time when my head wasn’t consistently fighting off images of my husband’s infidelity. A moment that rarely happened in those early days of discovery.

I see this beautiful purple eye liner. I am admiring this sparkly purple one and choose to buy it. Yet, the moment my fingers wrapped around the darn thing I all of a sudden had a thought, “I bet one of those nasty women was wearing this color!” and the surge of unmanageable emotions came immediately. My hands started sweating, my heartbeat skyrocketed, and I could feel my face turning red as tears were immediately swelling up in my eyes. I felt all jittery and like I wanted to run, vomit, and collapse on the floor. I didn’t want to run out of the store because I really wanted my shampoo. Why didn’t I just stick to the shampoo isle? Why am I being triggered by purple freaking eye liner? I literally hate this feeling. This trigger that is hijacking every aspect of my being.

So, I decided to stroll the store until I could face the cashier without bursting into tears. Grateful that I could choose to wear my sunglasses and hopefully disguise my face, I began to slowly walk and breathe down the next isle. Trying to not look stupid, I decided to actually pick-up some products and read them. Actually, I wasn’t reading anything, but I was trying to look and act as normal as possible while my body was being hijacked by fears and insecurities.

Well, this white girl got some looks. I was in the middle of the isle filled with hair products for my African-American friends. Fortunately, the ladies were very gracious and didn’t throw any eyerolls or “stupid white girl” looks at me. But, I totally felt like a Ph.D. in Being an Idiot. Once I finally got through looking at every piece of product in the store, I made it back to the eyeliner. Facing my fear, I stared at the purple eyeliner and rebuked it in the name of Jesus fully convinced that it was Satan’s sidekick.

Have you ever personified an object while experiencing a trigger? I have.

I experienced so many trigger moments. Triggers that made absolutely no logical sense, but the reality of the pain I felt couldn’t be dismissed with reason. I really hated those nonsensical triggers. Country songs make sense. Movies or shows with infidelity make sense. Billboards objectifying women’s bodies make sense. Old memories and pictures of us together make sense. My wedding ring makes sense. What promises? What oaths did he keep? You know, things like that make sense to a betrayed spouse. Purple eyeliner shouldn’t even be an option. Yet, it’s the nonsensical triggers that made me question if I would ever feel normal again. And, the fact that his actions caused me such physical pain and embarrassment over a shade of eyeliner, I did what I thought was best. I blamed it all on him.

This Christian chick has screamed things at my husband that you will never find in the Bible. I dropped the F-bomb in every way imaginable. Verb, adverb, preposition, noun, adjective, its own sentence. I have broken more coffee cups, slammed doors, and cried silently in my closet. Shakespeare has no freaking idea how crazy a woman feels when scorned. No idea. How do I know this? Because Shakespeare is a man. There is no man alive who can fathom the depth of a woman’s heart and passion. No man, but Jesus. Only JESUS could handle me at times. Only Lord Jesus and a about one percent of my friends.

Yeah. The betrayed version of me was no angel in practicing self-control and I honestly didn’t want to be.

I felt so alone. I had a very difficult time finding a therapist or support group for females like me. Everyone seemed to want to label the spouse of a sex-addict as either a co-dependent or co-addict, but that’s just not true. Yes, at the onset of trauma, many healthy females freak the heck out and go through a period of looking a little crazy (hand raised high here), but that doesn’t make us all of a sudden co-addicts or even co-dependent.

According to the American Association of Sex-Addiction Therapists’ Partner Betrayal Trauma Program, “Statistically speaking most women married to sex addicts are not co-addicts or co-dependent.” Yet, people try to box us up that way and make us believe something about ourselves that just isn’t true. It’s maddening, and I am so sorry if that has ever happened to you too.

Today, years later, when I see a woman going through the hell of betrayal trauma, all I want to do is rescue her.

I see the beauty up ahead on your healing journey, Sister. I know that you’ve suffered and may even be questioning if you will ever feel normal again. You may think that your life is over, but it’s actually just beginning. If you chose to make a firm decision to believe and trust Lord Jesus, your story will leave you smiling. You will win when you follow Him no matter what your legal married, single, divorced status may end up being. Stick with Jesus. He is always for the oppressed and never abandons His daughters.

Like me, I know that you will have moments of wanting to pray, scream, and just process all the nonsensical things too. There’s honestly nothing about betrayal trauma that makes sense to a woman’s head. There’s a lot to do while making some of your hardest decisions. Do I stay? Do I give him another chance? Is God really working? How do I protect my children? Am I going crazy? How do I forgive? Do I have to forgive?

You need real iron sharpening iron friends. The ones with scary faith. The ones who will come over with a sleepover bag packed in her car, just in case you need an all-nighter friend to help you get through the darkest moments of your night. Like me, you need to surround yourself with heroic girlfriends. The girls who will judge your husband’s behavior as wrong but can also forgive him. The girls who will punch him in the face if he says anything inappropriate to them. The girls who don’t leave you when you’re not easy to deal with. Whether you are in the midst of a purple eyeliner moment or ready to listen to some revenge girl country music, you are welcome to join me at the Lioness Sisterhood table.

I already have a chair waiting for you and virtual coffee + healing conversations via zoom in your pajamas? Sweet! Whether you are ready to walk away from your marriage, want to fight for your marriage, or the last thing you want to think about is what your next steps are for your marriage, drag up a seat. Please give yourself the gift of healing. Your story matters. Your legacy matters. You matter and you are welcomed at our table.

Hell is going to regret doing this to you.

Live a Great Story, Sis!

Love, Dr. Suzy